Category Archives: Open Letter

An open letter: Eleanor Rigby

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Dear People with Pets,

Just admit that this is how you see your dog.

Sincerely,

The Guy With the Telepathic Camera App

An Open Letter…

RainforestDear anyone on the street with a thing in your hands,

No.

Sincerely,

I’ll just throw it away

An open letter…

172127__cedric_lDear employees of the On The Run a couple blocks from my place,

You don’t have to keep explaining to me how to use the debit card thing in that condescending voice you always use. They’ve got those everywhere and I know how to read.

Sincerely,

A grown-ass man

An open letter…

drunkgirlDear Drunk Girls,

 

It is unacceptable for you to take your shoes off and walk through the train station barefoot. It makes you look trashy. There are no exceptions. 

 

Sincerely,

People With Some Class

 

P.S. Have you seen what people do in the subway? Gross.

An open letter…

iphone

Dear People With Cracked iPhone Screens,

 

I’m so, so sorry for you loss. I truly am.

I know that you saved up for months to afford that glorious piece of technology. 

I know that you have to wait until you’ve saved the money again to replace the unit since AT&T doesn’t offer accidental damage insurance.

I know that you loved that phone with all your heart and that it kills you to look at its damaged screen several times a day, reliving that moment when you and dropped it on 125th St. because you tried to find Rilo Kiley in your playlist while juggling an eggnog latte, last week’s Village Voice and the leash for that ridiculous looking Bichon Frisé.

In all honesty, yes, the rest of us do notice and we do think less of you for it. I was saving the change in my pocket for a Kit Kat bar from the snack machine at work but I’d like to donate it to you instead. You need it more than I do.

 

Sincerely,

People Who Spent the Extra 20 Bucks For a Protective Case

An open letter…

salsaDear Woman Who (I Guess) Runs the Laundromat I Use,

 

There is no reason whatsoever for you to listen to loud salsa music in your booth while Spanish talk radio is playing over the loud speaker and El Gordo y La Flaca is on the TV with the volume all the way up .

Seriously. Not even one reason.

 

Sincerely,

Even the People Who Speak Spanish Natively

An open letter…

monk1Dear guy I saw on the way home tonight,

 

The uptown A is not an airplane. Therefore, it is not necessary to bring a portable DVD player with you to watch 15 minutes of Monk on your way to Columbus Circle.

 

Sincerely,

The look on the face of that girl who was sitting next to you

 

P.S. Dude, seriously… Monk?